I have been writing a lot about myself lately. This life-changing curve ball that has been thrown at me has really knocked me off my center and I am struggling to find my way back to equilibrium. And, this is my blog so I’ll cry if I want to. But I do want to make a few things clear.
#1-No matter how bad things seem on some days, I am well aware that they could be much worse. I know there are people out there who might look at my situation and think it was a walk in the park compared to what they are going through. And I know, and am related to, some people who would probably give their right arm to have our issues instead of their own. I never want my writing to sound whiny. I know that despite the hand we have been dealt, we are still abundantly blessed and I try hard to remember to find those blessings each day.
#2-I am not exhausted because my kids are over-involved in after school activities. I am exhausted from 3 continuous months of fragmented sleep. Period. Each kid only has one activity right now, and to be totally honest, thinking about going to watch one of them play or perform on the weekend is the only thing that gets me through the work week. So yanking them out of their activities will not solve my exhaustion problem.
#3-My husband is not nearly as affected by all of this as I am. I guess you could chalk it up to men just being a more simple creature than us complicated women folk. My husband pointed out to me after reading some of my posts that we have very different feelings about the way things are going. While I am exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed, worried, anxious and sad, he is just, well, fine. I mean, he doesn’t over analyze anything. It just is what it is for him. How I wish it could be that simple for me. I guess in a way it is good that it is so cut and dry for him, because I don’t know what we would do if we were both wound as tight as I am, but conversely, he knows that I am worried enough for the both of us, so managing Medium’s diabetes has fallen 100% on me. A friend commented the other day at how well Medium seemed to be doing and my comment was, “yes, he is doing great, because he isn’t the one managing his diabetes, I am.” I am the one running around with a net making sure that if, despite my best efforts, he falls, I will be there to catch him and he won’t get hurt.
#4-Having just said that Medium isn’t managing his diabetes, is kind of not true. I mean, he doesn’t make his own endo appointments, and he doesn’t make sure he has enough supplies and then call in his refills to the pharmacy or pour over doctor/hospital bills, but for what he can do, what a 10 year-old is capable of, he is a ROCK STAR! He makes me so proud. Other than a not-so-minor problem of him sneaking food (the chocolate chips and who knows what else he got into last night had him in the 300’s all night) he is all over the details of his disease. He accurately counts carbs, has mastered giving himself a bolus and all of the settings of his pump, and is very in-tune to how his body feels. He also understands the somewhat complex (at least for a 10 year-old) relationship between specific foods, insulin, his blood sugar, and his continuous glucose monitor. He told me that today his pump kept beeping at him to alert him of a low while he was at school. I asked him what he did. He said that he didn’t do anything because he knows that there is usually a lag between his CGM reading and what he really is, and he had just eaten a snack without dosing so he knew he would be fine. I seriously had to fight back tears. Tears of sadness that he has to mess with all of this when he should just get to be a 4th grader at school, but tears because I am so proud of how he learned all of this and how he just accepts that it is what it is.
#5-If I could learn to just accept that things are what they are sometimes, I would probably be a lot less stressed. My husband and Medium are the two least stressed people I know. When I am done crying, I will work on that!