WARNING! Rated R Due To Explicit Language!

It is widely accepted that people who use foul language are uneducated and just can’t come up with other words.

That’s just not fucking true.

I am an intelligent, college-educated person who knows a plethora words. And I never used to use curse words very much. First of all, my parents didn’t use them, and since children learn from those around them, I just didn’t use them. (So sorry mom, but I suggest you stop reading this right now. If you choose to read on, please don’t be offended or think less of me :))  But the older I get, I find myself using them more and more.

Well, that’s what I thought.

Turns out it is the angrier I get, the more I use them.

And let me tell you people, I am one angry son-of-a-bitch these days. Turns out that I have made it to a new level of anger and emotion and the only way I know how to express that is through profanity. So I apologize, but I’ve just got to get this shit out!

And who do I have to thank for that?

Fucking diabetes.

Fucking diabetes moved it’s fat ass into my life and has a choke-hold on my sanity. I am trying my best to not let it get the best of me, but I feel like I am drowning. I am effing loosing it!

My marriage is suffering, my relationship with my kids is suffering, my finances are suffering, my work is suffering….my sanity is suffering. I just cannot be every fucking thing to every fucking person in my life right now, and I FUCKING HATE IT! I am trying to do everything I did before fucking diabetes took over my life, and on top of it keep my son’s blood sugars low enough that he won’t get sick and die but high enough that he won’t get sick and die. I have a small window between death and death that I have to keep my son, at all times, whilst still being a good wife, mother, sister, aunt, cousin,  friend and employee.

And the thing is, no one else really gets it. My husband doesn’t get it, my kids don’t get it, my friends don’t get it, my coworkers don’t get it, my boss doesn’t get it. I’m not saying that some of them don’t try, but they just can’t know how I feel and what I am going through and that is so lonely and scary. Even other D-parents don’t know exactly what I am going through because, as similar as our journey’s are, they are each individual. People can empathize, but it is a journey that, ultimately, I have to walk alone. And what is really so heart-breaking about that is the reality that it is the same thing for Medium. I cannot know what he is going through or will go through as a person with diabetes. I can empathize, but he has to walk that journey alone, and that scares the shit out of me. I just want so fucking badly to take it from him.

I will be right beside him every step of the way, but it is his journey.

The control freak mother in me just cannot accept that.

The mother in me cannot accept that he has to count every carbohydrate that he eats, that he has to stab himself 10 times a day, that he cannot have a Gatorade after soccer with all of his friends, that as he gets older his insulin needs are going to change and undoubtedly he is going to have severe highs and lows because of it and he will feel like shit, that he will have to be very careful about drinking alcohol when he is in college, that he will have to find someone willing to take all of this on when falling in love and finding a spouse and that he will have to worry that he will pass this dreaded disease on to his own children one day. AND THERE IS NOT A FUCKING THING THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!

I just cannot accept that.

But life goes on. And don’t worry, no one has to put me on suicide watch. I just needed to get that out. I know it wasn’t very couth, or professional or lady-like or mature, but it was real.

And at the end of the day, that is all I have.

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9 thoughts on “WARNING! Rated R Due To Explicit Language!

  1. My best friend has type one diabetes and while that cannot even come close to having a child with this condition…i just want to tell you that I feel for you! I have seen her struggles in the 13 plus years we have known each other and i know that diabetes goes so much deeper than simply having to watch one’s sugar intake like many people think. I know that has an impact on nearly everything the individual does. And I think you have every damn right to swear! Let it out sister<3 Great blog!

  2. swis12 says:

    Just found you when I searched “Multiple kids with diabetes” – to be honest I was having a narcissistic moment trying to find out if that search would pull up my own blog. It didn’t as far as I can tell (despite many tags within my blog regarding having multiple kids with diabetes – dammit!). I found your blog on page 5 of the results.
    I feel your pain and your anger and your frustration.
    I feel alone in my quest to kick the crap out of diabetes. I don’t often admit that. The Diabetes Online Community on Twitter and Facebook have been a Godsend for me. My dear husband is a great father and does his best to be a supportive husband. Still he isn’t involved. Perhaps some of his lack of involvement is my own dang fault since I am a bit (a huge friggen) of a control freak. Still he will do anything I ask – I just have to ask. That include house work and D care. Thing is I hate having to ask – I spend my days always asking – did you brush your teeth, did you check your BS, did you make your bed, did you do your homework, can you, have you, will you, etc etc. I am so tired of always asking – why the heck can’t anyone just do it. Sorry digressed.
    Anyway – I just wanted to say you are not alone. I get it. Others get it. Even when we feel alone – there are others out there that get it.
    I am not suggesting that what you are currently feeling does not suck ass because others are going through the same thing – I just wanted to say you are not alone.
    I will add your blog to my blogroll at http://www.stickwithitsugar.com. I look forward to reading you again – with or without colorful language. Although I don’t use it in daily conversations all the time I have been known to drop a bomb or two – especially when I am angry and for my kids sake I hope they haven’t heard it (slim chance of that btw).
    I hope today (it is now 17 min into the 26th day of June) is a better day for you.
    Cyber hugs and all that jazz.

  3. Connie Spangler says:

    Danielle, There are support groups everywhere. Check some of them out. I can almost guarantee that medium is not as emotional as you are feeling. And you should be more emotional. That’s your baby. Coming from a person in the same place it’s not as bad as it seems. You have great control on it and it sounds like you have been very well educated on the condition. My favorite saying,,,It is what it is. You can’t change it so you can decide how you want to carry it. You have 2 choices. You can let it run your life or you can decide to grab it by the horns and make the best of it. Something that may help you is to help others with it. Your blogging is a great start but you can do more than that. Find a group that raises money for research of a cure.Take medium to schools and educate other children and let them see how he copes. He will take control of his care soon. He is close to adolescent age and his hormones will go wild with his sugar. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once he’s been through all the changes his body will go through he will level out and controlling his sugars will be so much simpler. If you have any doubt about how you are doing as a parent supporting your son, let me tell you it sounds like you are the best and doing all the right things.

  4. Beth McCrary says:

    You’ve hit the nail on the head Danielle! It’s good to get your feelings out and the use of profanity is totally understood by this d-mom! Four years into this diabetes journey, I can tell you the anger and frustration will decrease. You will never stop wanting to take this disease from Medium, but you will get better at dealing with the feelings of helplessness.

    At about the four month mark or so, I literally thought I was having a breakdown. A lot of that was due to sleep deprivation and the control freak in me. I wanted to make diabetes behave and we all know diabetes has a mind of it’s own. While I HATE diabetes with a passion, I choose to focus on all the blessings of the journey and there have been many. The biggest blessings have been the amazing d-families that have we have crossed paths with and learned from. D-kids and their families are the bravest and most amazing people I know. They are also the most passionate about raising awareness and the funds to find a cure. And that day is coming because of organizations like JDRF!!!!

    Off to the endo this morning to get our report card and holding my breath to find out the impact of full-on puberty on my sweet one’s A1C. I keep repeating….”It’s just a number, a piece of information to tell us what to do next.” Who am I kidding? That number will either put us on top of the world or deflate us faster than a balloon with a hole in it. But every day is a new day and a new opportunity to kick diabetes’ ass!

    Love from this SC d-mom!

  5. ML says:

    So, I don’t have time to read anything without explicit language? Guess you caught me.
    I just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job. I’m sorry you can’t control and conquer this because with all the time and effort put into it, that is the only outcome that seems fair. Having a child with special needs can be very isolating (trust me, I know). Please take a little comfort in the fact that Medium is not suffering nearly as much as you are (if at all). Love you!

  6. Dana Tessler says:

    I do swear, all the time, and this post just hit the nail on the head for me. Hang in, there are days like this and days when it gets easier (as I’m sure you know.) There are even weeks like this. The on-line community has been such a source of comfort for me, I hope you find that too, something that gets you through this!

  7. Allison Allison says:

    Cuss on sister d-mom! 🙂 We ALL have those days! These are our babies in the grip of this damn disease!

  8. Amanda says:

    At times only the F word will do when it comes to Diabetes – actually make that most of the time. I am pretty sure there are plenty of us mums out there who are going through the same feelings. I know I am. We are here for you and carry on doing that amazing job of being a mum and a special mum at that.

  9. Krissy says:

    Sometimes, an “oh, poop” or “shoot” just doesn’t cut it. My cussing has increased 10-fold since my daughter was diagnosed. And it’s OK to feel this way and to get it all out – you won’t feel like this forever. It comes and it goes. Hang in there, fellow D-Momma. On a side note, are you guys looking into a pump? My daughter started the omnipod 3 months after she was diagnosed in March andthe day that bad boy was slapped on her body I felt some pre-D joy return to me.

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