Today’s topic: Memories
“Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere…. your or your loved one’s diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share.”
It would be easy to say that my most memorable diabetes day would be the day that Medium was diagnosed. And while I can actually remember every detail about that day; what Medium was wearing, the look on his pediatrician’s face when his urine dip showed glucose and large ketones, and how anxious I felt sitting in the waiting room of Children’s Mercy Hospital ER knowing that Medium had diabetes but not really knowing what that meant and what would happen next, that isn’t my most memorable diabetes day.
There is another day that is etched in the most permanent part of my mind, a day that I try not to think about too often because when I do, it catapults me to the edge of the DDPOD (deep, dark pit of despair) and that is a place I don’t want to go back to. It was about 10 days post-diagnosis. Long enough for reality and exhaustion to set in. I had been “researching on the internet” (code words for reading a bunch of shit that I shouldn’t have 10 days post-diagnosis). I found other people’s blogs and starting reading about things that I hadn’t even thought to worry about. One new worry after the next piling on top of the worry I already had combined with very, very few hours of sleep in ten days and I was one hot mess. One evening, after dinner, we couldn’t get Medium’s blood sugar much above 70 despite repeated snacks so we took him to the ER. And long story short, I basically refused to take him home and so they admitted him. I was so scared and so tired and so emotional that I just wanted to give him to someone safe to take care of him because I just didn’t have one more ounce in me that could do it.
That day and that feeling will haunt me the rest of my life.