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May 16 2013
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It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

I Am Pancreas, Hear Me Roar!

Today’s topic:  Accomplishments Big and Small

“We don’t always realize it, but each one of us had come a long way since diabetes first came into our life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years, you’ve done something outstanding diabetes-wise. So today let’s share the greatest accomplishment you’ve made in terms of dealing with your (or your loved one’s) diabetes. No accomplishment is too big or too small – think about self-acceptance, something you’ve mastered (pump / exercise / diet / etc.), making a tough care decision (finding a new endo or support group / choosing to use or not use a technology / etc.).”

Some days I feel like I’ve come so far, and other days I feel like a total neophyte when it comes to diabetes. And from what I do know about diabetes, I will most likely always feel bipolar about my pancreatic performance.

But the one thing that I am pretty proud of as I look back, is how quickly I embraced my new role as not only pancreas, but as educator. I spent the first several weeks in the DDPOD (deep, dark pit of despair), but once I came out of that, the pendulum swung the other way. I went from being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown to sponging up every morsel I could about the science of diabetes. I went from not being able to complete a sentence about Medium without crying, to telling anyone who would listen what was happening to his body. I started this blog and the Wife Mom Pancreas brand. I have a Facebook page and Twitter account, albeit I haven’t really gotten into promoting them yet. Around the same time I started my blog, I started writing articles for Diabetes Daily. I have always loved writing and I finally felt like I had something important to write about. Unfortunately life outside of the vacuum of diabetes has taken over and I haven’t written anything for Diabetes Daily in a while.

Social media is such an amazing way to connect people from all walks of life and all corners of the globe. In the months to come, I hope to do a better job of using it to get the word out about life with the big D!

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May 15 2013
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It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

Like the Corners of My Mind

Today’s topic:  Memories

“Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere…. your or your loved one’s diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share.”

It would be easy to say that my most memorable diabetes day would be the day that Medium was diagnosed. And while I can actually remember every detail about that day; what Medium was wearing, the look on his pediatrician’s face when his urine dip showed glucose and large ketones, and how anxious I felt sitting in the waiting room of Children’s Mercy Hospital ER knowing that Medium had diabetes but not really knowing what that meant and what would happen next, that isn’t my most memorable diabetes day.

There is another day that is etched in the most permanent part of my mind, a day that I try not to think about too often because when I do, it catapults me to the edge of the DDPOD (deep, dark pit of despair) and that is a place I don’t want to go back to. It was about 10 days post-diagnosis. Long enough for reality and exhaustion to set in. I had been “researching on the internet” (code words for reading a bunch of shit that I shouldn’t have 10 days post-diagnosis). I found other people’s blogs and starting reading about things that I hadn’t even thought to worry about. One new worry  after the next piling on top of the worry I already had combined with very, very few hours of sleep in ten days and I was one hot mess. One evening, after dinner, we couldn’t get Medium’s blood sugar much above 70 despite repeated snacks so we took him to the ER. And long story short, I basically refused to take him home and so they admitted him. I was so scared and so tired and so emotional that I just wanted to give him to someone safe to take care of him because I just didn’t have one more ounce in me that could do it.

That day and that feeling will haunt me the rest of my life.

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Feb 28 2013
3 Comments
It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

Five Seconds

five red button

5…4…3…2…1

Five seconds. Seems like an unbelievably short amount time. Especially considering how much runs through my mind in that amount of time every night when I check Medium’s blood sugar.

From the moment that strip sucks up the perfectly formed drop of blood, to the beep that signifies the moment of truth, a lifetime of thoughts rush through my head.

It is possible to have really good control of your blood sugar as a diabetic and rarely be surprised by the number. But the truth is with Medium, his numbers are all over the place most of the time. I attribute this to his being fairly newly diagnosed, him being 11 and pre-pubescent and the fact that it is not my body, so I don’t know how he is feeling. But what number that glucometer displays is always a surprise to me.

I don’t like surprises.

I am a planner.

A self-proclaimed cotrol-freak, and I don’t like that every night for 5 seconds I hold my breath and pray that the surprise is a good one.

In that 5 seconds, I worry that it is too high. I worry that it will be too low. Somehow in 5 seconds I am able to concurrently think about giving a correction bolus and then setting my alarm to ensure that it brought his number down. In that five seconds I decide between juice and a Quick Stick if he is low. I choose peanut butter crackers and a temporary basal rate if he is only slightly low. And I choose just a 1 hour temporary basal rate if he is just slightly higher or lower than I want. In that five seconds I worry that if he is really high, is it because he is coming down with something or because he forgot to bolus for his bedtime snack? I can already picture myself systematically choosing the correct order of the buttons on his pump to deliver a correction versus setting a temporary basal rate. In 5 seconds I am able to wonder why he is low, feel sorry for myself that this will be another one of the many nights that I won’t sleep, and picture myself hysterical if I were to find him cold and dead in his bed in the morning from this low.

Seems impossible to think all of these things in five seconds.

But I do.

Because in that 5 seconds every night, the world stands still as I hold my breath and my son’s life hangs in the balance.

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Feb 17 2013
8 Comments
It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

Diabetes Isn’t Funny…And Neither Is This Blog

I have been struggling to write lately. I had been blaming it on our busy fall schedule, having the house on the market, the move, the holidays…..

But it seems that those were just excuses.

I think I have identified the problem.

Diabetes isn’t funny.

I am a funny person (people tell me this anyway). And I do know, and fully admit, that I always use humor to diffuse unpleasant situations. So I love to write funny shit. And I was blessed with a personality and perspective to always find the funny shit.

But diabetes isn’t funny.

And this blog is about diabetes and my thoughts, feelings and experiences with having a child diagnosed with diabetes. And I passionately want to educate people about this disease and I want to be a source of information for new families facing this awful diagnosis.

But again, I have to say it. Diabetes isn’t funny.

I mean, it’s not even remotely funny.

There is nothing funny about blood sugars in the 500’s with moderate ketones.

And I assure you that a blood sugar of 31 is not going to get a chuckle from me.

I promise you that worrying about whether my son will loose his eyesight or keep his limbs, is not the least bit whimsical.

Hoping and praying that my son will someday find someone who will love him and be willing to take on the beast that is this disease does not crack me up.

So, all I am left to write about is the sad, scary, lonely, depressing feelings I have about diabetes.

And that sucks.

It bums me out.

I have already written posts about how type 1 has nothing to do with sugar, and that it really is about a confused immune system and bad luck. I have written many times about how tired I am now that I have to set alarms and check blood sugars all night long and how that contributes to anxiety and feelings of depression.

I have written about the “Honeymoon” period and even about diabetes and ADHD.

Sure I have peppered in a few non-diabetes related posts about ants, laundry, computers and make-up (this one is hilarious-if I do say so myself! And totally true!)

I’ve even written more than one post about not having anything to write about!

But this blog is supposed to be a source for others going through the same thing to find valuable information about timely, targeted diabetes information!

Right?

Ok, so I’ve made a decision.

This is my blog and I can do whatever I want. I didn’t sign any contract to ONLY provide diabetes related posts!

And the fact is, that while others that are going through the same thing as me DO need diabetes information, they are still regular people who need to laugh and get AWAY from diabetes sometimes.

Sometimes you need to read about how someone else’s 5 year-old had a MASSIVE code brown in the MEN’S room at a high school during your other son’s basketball tournament and how you had to have your oldest son stand guard outside and not let any men in and how in the end you had to abort the underwear  AND shorts AND shoes and usher the 5 year-old out the side door before you either got chastised by the janitor or arrested for having a half-naked 5 year-old in a public place. (Yeah, pretty sure we are not welcome at Shawnee Mission West High School anymore).

So, my friends, as I am entering the second year of my blog, I am taking it a new direction. If I’m ever going to write again. I’m going to have to start including some non D material.

After all, the name of the blog is WifeMomPancreas, because I am not just a pancreas!

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Oct 10 2012
2 Comments
It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

Would You Rather….

I heard that the new Dexcom G4 continuous glucose monitor just got it’s FDA approval so I went to their website to do some research. Medium has the Medtronic CGM and I hate it almost as much as he does. It is not very accurate and we have not used it since June. We have been managing just fine without it, but if new and better technology exists for my son, I want to check it out.

So, anyway, I watched the little video and then poked around the website some. And then there she was. The woman who made me think to myself, “I would take diabetes if I could have her body”.

Can you believe I actually thought that? That knowing what I know about diabetes and it’s devastating affects on people, that I would actually wish for it?

I was immediately ashamed for thinking it. I have watched what my son goes through first hand and to think something like that somehow diminishes it’s seriousness; makes it like some kind of non-threatening, little “issue” that is not any big deal.

But it speaks volumes about my issues with body image. This woman was very thin, but not too thin, looked great in a pair of jeans and had a very nice, um er, chest area. She was perfectly proportioned.

She was a model and probably airbrushed. But still. I would give anything, even my non-diabetic status, to look like her.

So this got me thinking.  

Number 1: I have issues and probably need professional counseling.

And Number 2: How desperate for youth and beauty have we become as a society? How far will people really go to achieve the ultimate look? If I really could trade my health for that body….would I really do it?

I know you are thinking, “no, of course you wouldn’t”….

But I’m not so sure. (Yes, I know, I need therapy.)

So here’s my question.

What would you give up and for what, if you could? Would you give up your sense of smell for a wrinkle-free face and no gray hair? Would you give up sex for the rest of your life if you could be a blue eyed, blonde bombshell? Would you take on a life threatening, although manageable, disease with no cure, for the perfect body?

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Jun 25 2012
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It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

WARNING! Rated R Due To Explicit Language!

It is widely accepted that people who use foul language are uneducated and just can’t come up with other words.

That’s just not fucking true.

I am an intelligent, college-educated person who knows a plethora words. And I never used to use curse words very much. First of all, my parents didn’t use them, and since children learn from those around them, I just didn’t use them. (So sorry mom, but I suggest you stop reading this right now. If you choose to read on, please don’t be offended or think less of me :))  But the older I get, I find myself using them more and more.

Well, that’s what I thought.

Turns out it is the angrier I get, the more I use them.

And let me tell you people, I am one angry son-of-a-bitch these days. Turns out that I have made it to a new level of anger and emotion and the only way I know how to express that is through profanity. So I apologize, but I’ve just got to get this shit out!

And who do I have to thank for that?

Fucking diabetes.

Fucking diabetes moved it’s fat ass into my life and has a choke-hold on my sanity. I am trying my best to not let it get the best of me, but I feel like I am drowning. I am effing loosing it!

My marriage is suffering, my relationship with my kids is suffering, my finances are suffering, my work is suffering….my sanity is suffering. I just cannot be every fucking thing to every fucking person in my life right now, and I FUCKING HATE IT! I am trying to do everything I did before fucking diabetes took over my life, and on top of it keep my son’s blood sugars low enough that he won’t get sick and die but high enough that he won’t get sick and die. I have a small window between death and death that I have to keep my son, at all times, whilst still being a good wife, mother, sister, aunt, cousin,  friend and employee.

And the thing is, no one else really gets it. My husband doesn’t get it, my kids don’t get it, my friends don’t get it, my coworkers don’t get it, my boss doesn’t get it. I’m not saying that some of them don’t try, but they just can’t know how I feel and what I am going through and that is so lonely and scary. Even other D-parents don’t know exactly what I am going through because, as similar as our journey’s are, they are each individual. People can empathize, but it is a journey that, ultimately, I have to walk alone. And what is really so heart-breaking about that is the reality that it is the same thing for Medium. I cannot know what he is going through or will go through as a person with diabetes. I can empathize, but he has to walk that journey alone, and that scares the shit out of me. I just want so fucking badly to take it from him.

I will be right beside him every step of the way, but it is his journey.

The control freak mother in me just cannot accept that.

The mother in me cannot accept that he has to count every carbohydrate that he eats, that he has to stab himself 10 times a day, that he cannot have a Gatorade after soccer with all of his friends, that as he gets older his insulin needs are going to change and undoubtedly he is going to have severe highs and lows because of it and he will feel like shit, that he will have to be very careful about drinking alcohol when he is in college, that he will have to find someone willing to take all of this on when falling in love and finding a spouse and that he will have to worry that he will pass this dreaded disease on to his own children one day. AND THERE IS NOT A FUCKING THING THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!

I just cannot accept that.

But life goes on. And don’t worry, no one has to put me on suicide watch. I just needed to get that out. I know it wasn’t very couth, or professional or lady-like or mature, but it was real.

And at the end of the day, that is all I have.

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May 17 2012
3 Comments
It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

I Have A Dream…

Today’s theme: Fantasy Diabetes Device

“Tell us what your Fantasy Diabetes Device would be? Think of your dream blood glucose checker, delivery system for insulin or other meds, magic carb counter, etc etc etc. The sky is the limit – what would you love to see?”

This one is kind of hard for me. We have only been playing this game for such a short time that I have been too busy learning about the reality of diabetes to start fantasizing about what could be.  At this point, the only fantasy I have is for a cure for this stupid disease.

But, this theme challenged me to think and get creative, and I like that.

But then I remembered that in one of my first posts on my blog I mentioned that they have a continuous glucose monitor for the D-kids and that they needed a continuous worry monitor for us D-moms.  So see, I was way ahead of my time.

But I would take it a step further. Someone needs to invent a continuous worry monitor and then a Xanax pump to go with it. Really it doesn’t have to be Xanax, it could be whatever your anti-anxiety medication is, vodka, chocolate, whatever!  And it would be all inclusive in one nice, sleek little device that would hold your debit card and lip gloss, too! As your number goes up on the CWM, the Xanax pump automatically dispenses an appropriate amount of medication. Voila! An always happy D-Mama! Who wouldn’t love that???

I know my husband would!

Ahhhh…..a girl can dream.

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May 16 2012
2 Comments
It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

I Am Kicking Ass Over Here!

Today’s theme: One Thing To Improve

“Yesterday we gave ourselves and our loved ones a big pat on the back for one thing we are great at. Today let’s look at the flip-side. We probably all have one thing we could try to do better. Why not make today the day we start working on it. No judgments, no scolding, just sharing one small thing we can improve so the DOC can cheer us on!”

This week has been so busy with school year-end activities: field trips, awards ceremonies, concerts and the ever-so-prestigious-and-totally-necessary (enter eye-roll) Pre-School graduation (hey, I am all for celebrating my kids and their accomplishments, this is just one that I think is a little silly and self-indulging, but what the hell….) that I have not been able to get my posts for D-Blog Week up until almost 11 p.m. We were done with all activities by 7:00 tonight so I thought I would be able to post sooner but alas, here I am, the late night poster again. But the reason for my tardy post is a good one. I have been overwhelmed with the amazing and totally supportive comments from all of my new friends! Just think, on Monday, no D-friends. Two days later, so many I have lost count! What an amazing community that is the DOC! Someone said it is the greatest club you never wanted to be a part of! Ain’t that the truth! I have never been so easily accepted into a group before. If you have or care for someone who has diabetes, then you are in, and in with love! Simply amazing!

Well, after all that sticky-sweet (pun intended) talk, it’s time to trash myself. I told you yesterday that I am much more comfortable at finding my faults. Actually I don’t have to find them at all, rather I try to hide them. Sigh.

So grab yourself a cup of coffee, (or vodka, I don’t judge) and pull up a comfy chair because here goes….

I need to be a better, wife, mom, sister and daughter. My family bears the brunt of most of my flaws.

I need to eat better, exercise and loose weight.

I need to stop buying bags and purses.

I am addicted to McDonald’s fountain diet Coke.

Oh wait, this is supposed to be something I could improve on related to my son’s diabetes…..sorry, I am so well aware of my flaws that they just roll off the tongue!

Hmmmm…….let’s see….something to improve on….um….well, there is….no. Well, what about….huh, no. Okay, okay how about…. hmmm……well this is awkward. I can’t really think of anything. It’s ironic. I am keenly aware of all of my personal faults, but when it comes to Medium’s diabetes, I AM ALL OVER THIS SHIT!!! Don’t get me wrong, I make mistakes, there are too many moving parts of diabetes care for even the long-time veterans to not make a mistake now again, but for a rookie such as myself, I pretty much ROCK! (Anyone else find it interesting that in the post where I was supposed to praise myself, I could barely do it, but here where I am supposed to call myself out on something I am calling myself a ROCK STAR?) But seriously, a carbohydrate doesn’t enter Medium’s body without me knowing about it, we have test strips, glucose tabs and snacks with us at all times, we have glucometers and cake gel in every level of our house and in both cars, I download Medium’s pump and pour over his numbers every 3-4 days, I buy home A1c kits so I won’t have to wait 3 months to know how he is really doing, I talk to the school nurse daily. Actually at Medium’s three month check up the other day the diabetes educator was almost irritated that I already knew everything he was going to tell us after downloading the pump; when Medium tended to be high, how close his CGM was to his meter BG’s, what his A1c was.  I am telling you, I AM KICKING ASS over here!

But it is exhausting, draining, paralyzing and all-consuming and my personal health and relationships are suffering because of it. I need to learn how to let up a little bit. I need to understand that I can’t be in control of this horrid disease at all times. I need to remember that I have two other kids who need me, too. I need to praise Medium more often for being such an easy diabetic kid to take care of. I need to remember to breathe.

Huh, look at that, I do have some things I could work on!

(You didn’t really think I was that conceited, did you?)

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May 14 2012
43 Comments
It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

I Have No Friends

So I am super excited to be participating in Diabetes Blog Week!  It makes me feel all official and professional and everything. It’s a place for all of us diabetes bloggers to gather and share information on the same topics and learn from each other. I so love the very few D-blogs that I have found so far and I am so excited to find and read more!

So, there is a cool banner and button to help display and promote Diabetes Blog Week, but I can’t figure out how to use them. As it is, it is 10:00 p.m. and I just got home about 30 minutes ago since leaving the house at 8:00 a.m. Today is the first day of Diabetes Blog Week and I am almost late in getting my first entry in, I don’t have time to figure out how to use the banner and button. And here is the real scary part,  (I work in IT….shhhhhhh…….please don’t tell anyone what a fraud I am!  Really, I just don’t have time right now to figure it out, if I had more time, I could figure it out…..I’m sure……)

Today’s theme is “Find A Friend:

“It seems the most popular thing about Diabetes Blog Week is that it helps us find blogs we weren’t reading yet and connect with some new blog friends. With that in mind, let’s kick off Diabetes Blog Week by making some new connections. Think about the d-blogs you read that you think we may not know about and introduce us to one that you love!! Let’s all find a new friend today! “

As if not being able to figure out to “grab” the banner and button didn’t make me feel stupid enough, I can’t even find any diabetes friends.  I mean, any new ones that you all wouldn’t know. I have found the “Big Guns”, D-Mom Blog, Our Diabetic Life, Candy Hearts, and Houston We Have A Problem but those gals are like legends in the DOC! (Diabetic online community–I learned that just the other day….).  Just look at their blogs, they are beautiful. I look at those blogs and all those feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing from junior high come rushing back. I want to be like them. Instead I have a very elementary looking blog layout and can’t figure out how to grab buttons (I hate that they use the word “grab” as if to imply how easy it is to just, grab, it and throw it on your blog…..pouring salt, twisting knife).

But I have 3 kids and a full-time job outside of the home and I have only been blogging for a little over 2 months (my 10 year-old was diagnosed with T1D about 3 months ago) so I don’t have anyone new for you to read. I guess that new blog is ME! I am my own new friend!  And admittedly, I started blogging for me and only me. I have always been a person who expresses herself best with the written word, so it is my therapy to blog it out. I really didn’t care if anyone read it. But then a few people did read it, and they gave me feedback and all of the sudden I wasn’t just writing for myself anymore. I am writing for an audience and I just want to keep my audience happy. I guess in the end, if my simple, button-less blog layout turns everyone off and no one is reading it anymore it doesn’t matter, because I was just writing for myself anyway. And the last time I checked, I can’t un-friend myself.

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May 02 2012
7 Comments
It Ain't Always Pretty...But It's My Life

It’s My Blog And I’ll Cry If I Want To

I have been writing a lot about myself lately. This life-changing curve ball that has been thrown at me has really knocked me off my center and I am struggling to find my way back to equilibrium. And, this is my blog so I’ll cry if I want to. But I do want to make a few things clear.

#1-No matter how bad things seem on some days, I am well aware that they could be much worse. I know there are people out there who might look at my situation and think it was a walk in the park compared to what they are going through. And I know, and am related to, some people who would probably give their right arm to have our issues instead of their own. I never want my writing to sound whiny. I know that despite the hand we have been dealt, we are still abundantly blessed and I try hard to remember to find those blessings each day.

#2-I am not exhausted because my kids are over-involved in after school activities. I am exhausted from 3 continuous months of fragmented sleep. Period. Each kid only has one activity right now, and to be totally honest, thinking about going to watch one of them play or perform on the weekend is the only thing that gets me through the work week. So yanking them out of their activities will not solve my exhaustion problem.

#3-My husband is not nearly as affected by all of this as I am. I guess you could chalk it up to men just being a more simple creature than us complicated women folk. My husband pointed out to me after reading some of my posts that we have very different feelings about the way things are going. While I am exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed, worried, anxious and sad, he is just, well, fine. I mean, he doesn’t over analyze anything. It just is what it is for him. How I wish it could be that simple for me. I guess in a way it is good that it is so cut and dry for him, because I don’t know what we would do if we were both wound as tight as I am, but conversely, he knows that I am worried enough for the both of us, so managing Medium’s diabetes has fallen 100% on me. A friend commented the other day at how well Medium seemed to be doing and my comment was, “yes, he is doing great, because he isn’t the one managing his diabetes, I am.” I am the one running around with a net making sure that if, despite my best efforts, he falls, I will be there to catch him and he won’t get hurt.

#4-Having just said that Medium isn’t managing his diabetes, is kind of not true. I mean, he doesn’t make his own endo appointments, and he doesn’t make sure he has enough supplies and then call in his refills to the pharmacy or pour over doctor/hospital bills, but for what he can do, what a 10 year-old is capable of, he is a ROCK STAR! He makes me so proud. Other than a not-so-minor problem of him sneaking food (the chocolate chips and who knows what else he got into last night had him in the 300’s all night) he is all over the details of his disease. He accurately counts carbs, has mastered giving himself a bolus and all of the settings of his pump, and is very in-tune to how his body feels. He also understands the somewhat complex (at least for a 10 year-old) relationship between specific foods, insulin, his blood sugar, and his continuous glucose monitor. He told me that today his pump kept beeping at him to alert him of a low while he was at school. I asked him what he did. He said that he didn’t do anything because he knows that there is usually a lag between his CGM reading and what he really is, and he had just eaten a snack without dosing so he knew he would be fine. I seriously had to fight back tears. Tears of sadness that he has to mess with all of this when he should just get to be a 4th grader at school, but tears because I am so proud of how he learned all of this and how he just accepts that it is what it is.

#5-If I could learn to just accept that things are what they are sometimes, I would probably be a lot less stressed. My husband and Medium are the two least stressed people I know. When I am done crying, I will work on that!

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